But first …

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Time to Make Britain the 51st American State!

By Steven R. Maher

With the United Kingdom threatened with a break up due to the Brexit vote, the United States should consider taking back, like an enfeebled parent in need of care from an adult child, a truncated Britain as the 51st state. There would be many advantages for both countries and their citizenry. The politicians in each country would find voter-rich opportunities for political posturing in an enlarged American union.

Last year the British voted to exit the European community, a move now seen as a bellwether for the American election of Donald J. Trump. Scotland wants to secede from the United Kingdom, and the Irish Republic wants back the six counties of Northern Ireland. With a UK breakup imminent, the U.S. should offer the olive branch of reunification to our English cousins.

What would Britain gain?

• All of Britain’s Brexit problems would be solved. Britain would have free access to all 50 American state markets. Financially, the British would fare much better off as a member of the American Union than as a splintered land mass collapsing into independent sovereigns.

• Britain would have to accept the American legal system. This offers numerous positive changes to England (besides judges being banned from wearing those stupid wigs!). This means that British cops (known as “Bobbies”) would have to read suspects their 5th Amendment rights and be subject to civil rights lawsuits whenever they kicked down someone’s front door without a search warrant. Newspapers could print the truth about public figures without being sued out of business. There were good reasons our forebears started a revolution in 1776.

• The British could let the U.S. Congress force a shotgun marriage between the Irish Republic and Northern Ireland. American Congressmen could haul in a rich catch of Irish Catholic votes by bringing about the reunification of Ireland into a 32-country Republic. English Protestant politicians could vote against the deal, knowing it would pass (this would earn them the votes of traditionalists and monarchists.) The truth is, most mainland British politicians don’t want anything to do with the Ulster Unionists, whom they privately regard as an embarrassment. They would secretly delight at being rid of the Unionists and at the same time acting indignantly while voting against Congressional majorities giving Northern Ireland back to the Irish. Like those Massachusetts legislators who recently voted three times against pay raises, and then accepted the pay raises, they could have their cake and eat it too.

• Britain would once again be part of a great country, instead of the piss-ant, third rate nonentity it has evolved into since World War II.

No longer a country with a great past and no future, Britain would once again be part of the pre-eminent world power.

What would the U.S. gain?

• By itself, Britain alone is one of the largest economies in the world. The U.S. could significantly grow its economy overnight by the reunion.

• Britain would have to accept the American system of taxation. This would partly be reparation for British over-taxation of the U.S. prior to the American Revolution and partly to recompense Americans for the British burning the White House during the War of 1812.

• The British health system would be extended to cover the U.S. This would end the American debate over health care. The reunification treaty would specify that Congress would not be able to discuss health care for at least one decade.

• Americans would graciously accept the British monarchy as the head of the American state, with the provision that America remains a Republic. Let Prince Charles represent the U.S. at official functions, such as state dinners and other social events. This will leave President Trump more time for his one true love, sending out messages over his Twitter account.

Populace gains

The populations of each country would gain from reunification.

• The English wouldn’t have to learn English. They could teach us how to use the language. Think of how much George W. Bush or Donald Trump would have gained from elocution lessons in the proper use of the English language!! The British will acclimate to our economy and laws quickly. After all, the British started our economy, and English common law is the basis of American legal doctrine.

• Congress would have to adopt a weekly “President’s Question Time” similar to the prime minister’s questions from Parliament. Trump would love this, answering Democrats’ questions with insults and disparagement. We could watch the two parties hoot and howl at each other like the audiences at a football game. This would probably be a good psychological release for the two parties and Trump. If we did this on Friday afternoons, Trump could watch replays all weekend long.

• Americans could be knighted and become dukes, earls and lords. The Kardashian women could be made princesses, or Brad Pitt a duke (“Duke Brad Pitt” sounds good, like the name of a new fight club movie). We could make Barron Trump a Baron; henceforth he would be known as “Baron Barron Trump.” Nothing less than a Lordship would suffice for Donald Trump; “Lord Trump of Twitter” would fit him nicely.

• American tabloids would be delighted to have new royals to write about. Americans would quickly desire a thirst for stories about royals like “Randy Andy” and “Champagne Charlie.” That’s certainly more entertaining than reading about how Ted Cruz’s father was part of the plot to kill JFK.

• In deference to London sensibilities, the capitol of the state of England would be Liverpool.

• The British parliament would have to take oaths of allegiance to the U.S. Constitution, to protect the Republic against all enemies, both foreign and domestic.

• Finally, the British would give up their ridiculous coinage system. The current system – pounds, shillings, half pennies – never made much sense and is about as useful as the metric system, which should also be discarded.

Britain and the U.S. were allies in two World Wars, the Cold War, and now the war against terror. The Brits have been our closest allies. It’s time we end the divorce and allow Britain to rejoin our country as the 51st state!